Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
