So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
