I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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