im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
