She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
