There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
