Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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