I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
