I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
