i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
