And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
