please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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