Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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