you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
