Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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