man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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