No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
