I wish my penis had an off switch
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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