i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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