Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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