Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
