That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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