Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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