I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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