I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
