new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
