Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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