Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
