Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
