Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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