We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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