Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
