The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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