i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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