Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
