the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
