I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
