omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I touched a dick in church today
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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