I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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