I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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