You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
