WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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