I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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