i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
