woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
