mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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