He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
