You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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