I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
