So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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