Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize