Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
