tonight lets celebrate not being married
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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