What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
