Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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