Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
