i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
